My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh my god

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

OH MY GOD!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?! IF I KNOWN I WAS COMING IN FOR ONE FUCKING CLIENT I WOULD OF STAYED HOME AND FINISH GETTING READY!!! I’VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS I COULD BE DOING RIGHT FUCKING NOW BUT NO I CAN’T. I SWEAR IF I DON’T GET ANYMORE I’M LEAVING AND GOING ON CALL! THIS IS FUCKING STUPID, I’M MAKING NO MONEY THIS WAY!! AND THANKS FOR BOOKING MY LAST HOUR, NOT LIKE THAT WAS THE ONLY AVALIABLE SPOT FOR THAT BUT THANKS ANYWAY!!!

amelia-laelia:

Does anyone remember the commercials where the kids asked for ravioli and their parents said no so the kid put it back but then the can threw itself off the shelf and rolled its way to the kids house and the mom was so accepting of it when she found it not thinking if her kid took it anyways after her saying no and they ate it for dinner.

turntechgoddamnit:

diacrit:
hanesonly:
I almost forgot my briefcase!
it contains important lab results
Important doguments

thecarvingwitch:

prokopetz:
sixsaltysweets:
I’M DEAD
Fun fact: if you know your feline body language, you’ll notice that the lynx is deferring to the housecat. As far as these two are concerned, the housecat is the higher-ranking cat.
OH MY GOD

(Source: Mashable)

magicalgirlfeferi:

smashsamurai:
dontchawannawantafanta:
afallfromelegance:
THAT IS FUCKING TERRIFYING WHY DO PEOPLE FIND THAT BEAUTIFUL?! THERE’S A BIG FUCKING GAPING HOLE IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN OCEAN AND WATER IS DISAPPEARING INTO IT WHERE DOES IT GO?!
*Under The Sea starts playing*
Anyone know where this is?
This is off the Island of Mauritius in the Indian Ocean! And actually it’s not really a waterfall, it’s the underwater sediment/minerals and sand that is being swept off the continental shelf into the epipelagic waters by some pretty strong currents, creating a sort of illusion that the water itself is rushing over into a waterfall. It’s a pretty cool illusion though!
There aren’t ever such things as underwater waterfalls or rivers that are just made out of water since water is technically all the same density (besides fresh and saltwater) and the only thing that separates it would be the salinity and/or the thermocline!
But when water is actually mixed with something denser, such as hydrogen sulfide or perhaps salt water crashing with fresh water, it can actually form underwater rivers such as the one in Mexico!

iguanamouth:

youre gonna look so godamn cool